Happy Birthday Emily Anne Tarter!

Throughout Desiring God, John Piper makes it very clear that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. I have thought of this phrase quite a bit lately—particularly in regard to its parallels with my marriage. I praise God the most when I am most joyful and content in my relationship with Him. When God makes me most happy and I am enjoying the glories of Calvary, His worth is magnified in me. Likewise, as I ponder how to make the most of my wife on her 22^nd birthday, I intend to simply proclaim the joy I have in her. For it is in the expression of my joy and satisfaction in Emily that I can show to all who read how incredible she is!

Emily turns 22 tomorrow, June 26^th. Every year her birthday is a time of fun and relaxation for us both. We take a few days off work and do something out of the ordinary. Last year, we went to Duluth—it was a marvelous time. This year, however, we do not have the funds to do anything “out of the ordinary,” with the exception of a few days off work. Of course, I have some plans that I cannot disclose at this time, but for the most part we are staying home and enjoying each other. And oh how excited we are!!! At the end of the day when I get done with work (or whatever I am doing) and I think about the evening, I get an instantaneous feeling of gratification just knowing it will be spent with my wife. I absolutely love just being with her—and this 4-day weekend will be filled with “just being together.”

I want to make it plain however—before you jump to conclusions—that this is not an extension of the “newly-wed” bliss that young married couples often feel. Emily and I have been married for 2 and half years, and although this is a relatively short amount of time, it is more than enough to know that the honeymoon is over. In fact, I would say (and Emily would concur) that the first year of marriage was by far the hardest we’ve had. It took 1 day after the honeymoon for me to realize that I couldn’t spend my time doing whatever I please whenever I please (I was dumb). It took a couple weeks for me to get tired of “snuggling” at night—I was used to my own bed and sleeping on my schedule. It took 6 months for financial troubles to occur, causing many fights and much distress. Throughout all these times, there was little joy.

Now is a much different story. It’s not that all these things have completely changed (especially our financial situation), but our hearts have changed—my heart has changed. By God’s grace I’ve learned that I am to love Emily as Christ loves the Church, and in my pleading for help from my Father, He has transformed the way I look at Emily. I now count it pure joy whenever I can spend time with Emily. I enjoy simply watching her mannerisms in every situation, and even have to refrain from smiling because she is so unbelievably cute when frustrated and annoyed. I can now even proclaim that I can’t stand it when Emily is NOT in bed with me—and she is the one who has to tell me to stop “snuggling” when I get overbearing! The Lord has blessed Emily and me to find joy in our marriage through the fellowship of “just being together,” and I am therefore oozing with excitement to serve Emily in every way possible this weekend. I have so much more that I wanted to say (in particular all the mannerisms and expressions of Emily that me feel such joy), but I have to leave my current post and pick Emily up from work. But I am not disappointed, because I get to be with her! Happy Birthday Emily!

Joy Lost—And Found!

It has been too long since my last blog post…please forgive me! There has been so much going on in my life—both inwardly and outwardly—that I had a difficult time choosing what exactly to write about. But alas, I must choose one thing to write about—for now—and as I learned in Bryan Chapell’s Praying Backwards, “As long as the matters we are considering are righteous, we can even pray for and choose the most delightful “apples” (i.e., options) he grants” (149). And so, of the many options the Lord has bestowed upon me these last 10 days, I have chosen to write upon the most foundational. Namely, how God took away and restored my joy!

About a week ago, I was really struggling with joyfulness. Now before you perceive this struggle to be of the “sorrowful yet always rejoicing” variety, just know that it wasn’t. In fact, this was the very problem. I was not un-joyful for any particular reason. That is, there was not an event that brought sorrow upon me while I was still undergirded by the joy of hoping in God. For this hoping in God was the joy that I could not find. And I was mad. I thought, “Why doesn’t God give me the joy that I long for?” “What is causing this state of spiritual restlessness?”

I didn’t quite know how to feel. It’s hard to say at what point this all started, but I know that last Monday was the culmination of these feelings. I went to work crabby and instead of working alone (which occurs 50% of the time) I was paired with 2 other guys to have a nice, long day.

Working with these guys wasn’t the problem, however. It was still me. I had no joy in the small sorrows and victories that occur throughout this (and every other) day. I was depressed. And it worsened. In the last 3 or 4 months the Lord has blessed me with multiple opportunities to talk about Christ and the gospel with many of my co-workers. He has continually put me in situations where it’s do or die—I either talk about Jesus or show how little I care about Him. And, in His mercy, He has supplied the grace to be bold and courageous in these conversations.

This Monday, however, was different. Toward the end of the day I was put in a position to talk about Jesus as my greatest Treasure, but failed. I could candy-coat the scenario by revealing that it wasn’t as much of a “do or die” situation as were the previous instances. But truthfully, it doesn’t really matter. When there was a perceived opportunity to joyfully proclaim my joy in Jesus to my co-workers, I backed away from the opportunity instead of attacking it head on. I revealed that I (at least in that moment) don’t care enough about Jesus to make much of Him above all else. I ended the day looking in the mirror and hating what I saw. I was depressed, deprived of joy, and ashamed of the gospel.

When I got home that day, Emily and I began to talk about these things. She was experiencing some of the same feelings about her failure and how it applies to her future motherhood, while I sat in my pink rocking chair with no idea what to do with myself. And then, we had to face the dilemma of small group. This past year Emily and I have been in a small group Bible study through our beloved church—Bethlehem Baptist Church. The Lord has been gracious to surround us with people who love us, love His Word, and ultimately—love Jesus. But this particular evening we were not too thrilled about going. The temptation to skip was strong, but we decided to attend, knowing how encouraged we always are by our friends. And we were! Emily in particular. But the Lord was still working on me.

I awoke on Tuesday feeling a little better, but the issues were not resolved. After work, I was debating whether to go with Josh (our small group leader) to evangelize in downtown Minneapolis. I decided that it would be good for me to go, so I did. After Josh had a 10 minute conversation with a guy named Jerry, he asked me what I thought, and if I was praying. I answered, “Well, uhh, I got caught up in the conversation and…well I went and talked to this guy while you were talking but he wasn’t interested…” As we walked along I began to feel the weight of my self-love. I wasn’t praying. I didn’t even think about. I turned the conversation into glorifying me instead of admitting my failure—how gross! Shortly after, I talked to a guy about life, death, and the gospel. I thought to myself, “The conversation went good…I thought I did alright….the guy wanted to come to church.” Then, perhaps more felt than thought: “My words were sufficient…but I want to speak so well, with all the right intellectual arguments, that Josh won’t even think about helping out.” We walked along, had a few more conversations, and I went home—somewhat feeling my sin in repentance, but still needing grace.

Then Wednesday came! Finally, sweet Wednesday! For whatever reason, the Lord woke me up on the right side of the bed this morning. I had some joy! But as I made my way to work the joy became full—and real! I was thinking about the previous evening and the Holy Spirit struck me dead with the weight of my sin, as if saying, “Don’t you see Zach! Don’t you see the deceitfulness of sin! These past few days your joy was gone because you were not rooted in the gospel! You were hoping in self…trusting in self! From Saturday when you sought pleasure in your comfort, to Monday when you sought pleasure in how well you serve ME at work, and even Tuesday when you were proclaiming good news about ME…it was all rooted in you! But take heart my child. I paid for this. I died for these past few days of self-seeking so that you might find your joy in full—in ME! You are weak Zach…but I am strong! You are a failure Zach…but I have never failed you and never will! So look to the cross and behold your Savior! Be restored…for I have been longing for this day that I might return to you the joy found in the only One who can ever fulfill your desires—ME!”

The thick layer of tint that blinded my eyes from seeing the joy right in front of me was removed by the Spirit, renewing my joy in God. And it was and is wonderful. So until the next time that I fall and need to be renewed, I will bask in the glories of Calvary…for His glory and my JOY!

Psalm 32
Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven,
whose sin is covered.
Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity,
and in whose spirit there is no deceit.

For when I kept silent, my bones wasted away
through my groaning all day long.
For day and night your hand was heavy upon me;
my strength was dried up as by the heat of summer. Selah

I acknowledged my sin to you,
and I did not cover my iniquity;
I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,”
and you forgave the iniquity of my sin. Selah

Therefore let everyone who is godly
offer prayer to you at a time when you may be found;
surely in the rush of great waters,
they shall not reach him. You are a hiding place for me;
you preserve me from trouble;
you surround me with shouts of deliverance. Selah

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go;
I will counsel you with my eye upon you.
Be not like a horse or a mule, without understanding,
which must be curbed with bit and bridle,
or it will not stay near you.

Many are the sorrows of the wicked,
but steadfast love surrounds the one who trusts in the Lord.
Be glad in the Lord, and rejoice, O righteous,
and shout for joy, all you upright in heart!